Today is my final official day silence. Or attempted silence. I’ve ended up whispering way too much which is terrible. But mostly silence. Today marks Day 30. Tomorrow the VERY cautious easing back into speech begins. I’m afraid:
- Afraid that the 30 days didn’t do anything.
- Afraid that 30 days wasn’t enough and that I’ll interrupt any healing that’s begin.
- Afraid that even if the 30 days was effective, that the problem will just come back again anyways.
- Afraid that I need to change my entire personality and lifestyle to just be quieter.
- Afraid that I won’t be able to enjoy the things that I used to love.
Not all of these fears are just because of the vocal nodules. In some ways, this mandatory voice rest came at a time when I needed a break from the world anyways. I have a lot of hesitations about returning to my old social life; specifically, that I’ve lost my joy for Lindy Hop. I feel like I may have lost my faith. Maybe that’s insulting to someone who equates that expression with religion but that’s exactly how I feel about it. 2015 has really tested my faith in dancing. I’m not sure where I’ll end up. The fact that teaching dancing and trying to speak over loud music at dance events is what caused this vocal condition definitely feels like it’s all tied together. I’m still just not sure where I’m going to end up.